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about


the blog
This is a personal blog - a digital diary of mine.

the writer
I'm just like the other girl.


A Sleeping Blanket // Wednesday
21.7.21

It's lonely.


I'd be lying if I said I didn't have good times or happy memories for the past few months of 2021 - I did. Many times. It's just when I'm alone with my thought, the feeling keeps coming back. Ironically, this feeling of loneliness, doesn't want me to be alone. It wants to make sure I sleep with this feeling in mind and heart. Sleeping blanketed by its touch and care. 

I don't tell anyone about it,.. oh, I don't have anyone to tell about it. I'm coming to terms with myself that I will not blame anyone. It's my own fault, it's my own insecurities, my own selfishness, my own childish-ness. Everything and everyone is falling apart and out. I have no place anywhere, but here, with my blanket - my sleeping blanket, the one keeping me company all night.

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// Sunday
5.5.19
A person has her own limit


Yet here we are //
21.4.19


the first few months were full of dilemmas. 
whispers and distant calls from the past 
was it a signal or a paranoia?
you were an enigma, you still are.






//
4.11.18
Sesak sekali rasanya...

Rasanya sepi. Walaupun ditemani suara deburan ombak samar-samar, suara daun-daun saling bergesekkan dan bayangannya yang tidak bisa diam, percakapan asing oleh orang-orang asing, meja makan kayu panjang kosong sedikit basah karena diguyur hujan semalam, semut-semut yang sibuk mencari celah diantaranya, orang-orang ramah yang tidak kusapa..., ramai, tapi tidak bagiku. 

Aneh. Tidak biasanya aku membutuhkan keramaian.


Entah kenapa // Wednesday
31.10.18
Halo.

Lama tidak berjumpa. 

Seharusnya laman ini diubah menjadi laman bersedih, bukan lagi jurnal. Aku hanya memiliki keinginan menulis ketika bersedih. Aku hanya ingin membagikan gundahku, jarang senangku. Gundah seperti beban, dengan menulis, aku dapat (dan berharap) menguranginya sedikit demi sedikit. Aku tidak pernah pandai berkata-kata. Aku tidak pernah pandai menyampaikan maksudku. Aku selalu terbelit, tersandung oleh omonganku sendiri. Pikiranku berpacu cepat, semua kupikirkan, tapi sedikit sekali yang keluar, sedikit sekali yang tertata. Entah kenapa.

Hari ini, lebih dari hari-hari sebelumnya, aku sangat berharap ketidakbecusanku dalam bercakap bisa kuperbaiki. Aku pelupa, aku tidak bermaksud menyembunyikan. Aku mudah teralihkan, teralihkan oleh apapun yang sedang ada di depan mataku, sehingga aku meremehkan apa yang tidak lagi disana. Pada suatu titik, aku tahu apa yang aku harus katakan, tapi entah karena ego, atau aku terlalu sibuk membela diri, aku tinggalkan dan aku lompat ke pembicaraan lain, yang sudah lewat. Entah kenapa.

Aku tidak terlalu perduli kalau hanya diriku yang merugi karena ketololan aku, tapi hari ini kamu juga ikutan. Aku salah. Aku tidak mengerti kenapa aku tidak dapat menyatakan cinta dalam bentuk kalimat selain sayang. Entah kenapa.

Iya, aku akan mencoba...
Iya, aku akan berusaha...

...untuk menjadi lebih terbuka, lebih peduli, dan lebih baik. Tadi, kalimat itu hilang entah tertinggal dibelah mana otakku. Tapi, percayalah, aku sudah selalu mencoba menerapkan dan akan selalu mencoba. 

Hari ini, aku merasa menjadi orang paling hipokritikal. Aku ingin kalimat itu terlontar dari mulutmu  ketika aku butuh ditenangkan. Tapi, aku tidak memberikannya. Entah kenapa. 

Apa sih yang kutahu?

Entahlah.
Mungkin aku tidak tahu apa-apa dan selalu berlagak sok tahu (dan mungkin kamu juga sudah tahu aku selama ini berpura-pura tahu).
Aku berharap kamu masih belum terlalu lelah berjalan, belajar, tertawa, bersedih, berdansa, bersamaku yang selalu berlari dibalik entah kenapa sampai tadi. Aku berharap aku bisa memperbaiki caraku, agar kamu tidak semakin lelah---karena aku belum pernah seingin ini untuk terus bersama dengan seseorang.



Life Is The Heart of The Rainbow // Tuesday
15.5.18

Minna-san, Konnichiwa!
On May 12th, i went to Museum MACAN to view Yayoi Kusama's art. I've always been liking her work and reading things about her from time to time. I'm glad i can actually see her work in person here in Jakarta, directly experiencing her paintings, sculptures, and creation of space. 

Narcissus' Garden
i'm not going to review her art, i'd do that in a separate post, after this. My focus here instead, is to just share a few pictures and feelings about how happy i was spending my Saturday there.

it was a very crowded day. the exhibition was just open for public that day, so the amount of crowd is as what i expected. i got there around 4pm and immediately went in.



"i'm just another dot in the universe" - Yayoi Kusama



one of my favorite painting from my favorite set of collection.


i went there with my current partner. honestly, being with him is what makes the trip a blast. he doesn't quite understand or appreciate visual art very well before, but he's very curious about a lot of things and open-minded. so it was reallllyyyyy fun talking about it with him. i guided him through the gallery, and along the way we stopped and discussed the possibility of the art. what and why it was made, what message she is trying to convey, and he even took our scenario; and integrating it with the art. he's very imaginative, and i'm happy he was also enjoying the things i enjoy the most :)

My favorite set of painting and person in one frame



the clumsy selfie we took because it was a very brief, awkward, and weird 30s in the Infinity Mirrored Room.

If you are interested in taking a trip there, i can give you few tips to maximize your day. For me, you can't just experience the space once, especially when each space has its own view-time that lasts for a mere 30s-1m. and since, we, millenials, need to document everything of our little exciting part in our mostly boring life, i'd suggest you to:
1. read about her beforehand. You can-- you should-- read about her here. Make sure you're informed, so you can appreciate the art more. Do this with any kind of work of art and any artist. It's an essential part needed in appreciating and understanding their work. We have got to step up from merely appreciating picture-worthy art and use it as a background to much deeper understanding in what, how, and why they are made
2. go there in the morning. buy online ticket to secure your way in and prevent unnecessary waste of time or gas
3. take the first to second stroll to understand and really view art in chronological manner without any interference especially with picture-taking hustle
4. take the next stroll to focus on taking good pictures
5. experience each room twice or more
this way you will actually get so much from the money you'd have to spend on the ticket :) this list can be applied to any museum trip actually.

Good luck!

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Mengganjal // Saturday
12.5.18

Yang di dalam dan di luar
Yang tertahan sekaligus menahan
Yang banyak namun sedikit
Yang ingin hanya angan

Bagaimana menjelaskan kenapa kalau apa tidak ada?

Ganjal.


// Tuesday
1.5.18
last night he called. he sounded very exhausted. i want to hug him if i was there - i definitely would do it tight. - but i wasn't. so i couldn't. hundred miles away, over the phone, last night, i still could feel his silent sighs. no, he's not the only one that wanted me to be there for him or him to be here with me. i, too, oftentimes think about it.
there is no day goes by without missing him. long distance is a struggle i tell you but it's, at least for me, a worthy one. 


//
1.5.18
i feel closer. well, i should have. i think that's what normally happen when you spend days together with a person. you get to know them better hence the closer and tighter bond. the subject i'm referring to might not read this, that's why i want to throw it out here.
i don't know what exactly i'm feeling right now. i honestly feel closer, yet more distant. i know, i know, those words don't make sense. but is there any way to perfectly express human's complex feelings? (maybe there is, but then again, i'm not a poet). i still get excited every time i see him, as always. i still get butterflies in my stomach even though we've been together for roughly three years (minus the breakup drama). long story short, i'm still happy being with him. few days ago we went travelling together. it was a blast. it was a heaven for couple with long distance relationship.
we chatted a lot of course. i realize a new fact or two. i don't know-- we're still learning about each other. some of it actually a pain to hear. it's not because it is hurtful,nor mean, it's because is simply the truth.
we have a big world ahead of us and no one know what's coming. years later, when i'm much older, maybe i'll find somebody who's brave enough to guarantee every girl's fairy tale; to become one.


// Monday
18.4.16
sekali-kali ngepost hal yang bikin senyum-senyum sendiri boleh, kan?


dont ask us how we turn out like this. im not even joking. we both dont really know. lol our life strings intertwined somewhere this february. we both knew each other but never really KNOW know each other. he's a bestfriend of my bestfriends and former partner. hidup itu kadang lucu.



Green Strikes! // Thursday
25.2.16
Hello, everyone!
It's been quite alright right here in Jakarta & Depok ^^

i'm proud to say i have more green strikes on my calendar than red strikes. (i have this new system since new year, where i strike one happy day with green marker and sad-sad day with red marker, it makes me want to fight all the sadness away).

positive vibe!

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2016 // Saturday
2.1.16
soooo, how are you? good? great! me? well, i must say i've been better but im quite alright. 
yes, it's 2016 already. time flies fast, huh? is there anything you regret in 2015? i sure have few regrets, but i'm in no way intend to stick around my nose there. i just have to move forward.
in 2015, im scared of EVERYTHING. the past, the present, the future. i always have something to worry about. it's humanly to worry about something, but i got my hands and head full of something i need not concerned about, thus the result were terrible. this year im planning not to be afraid. maybe not everything all at once but im going to try to face it one by one. you should, too. i know you're scared of many things. like someone behind you.. teehee (now im scared)
besides that, being scared makes me a negative-minded person. believe me, i always try my hardest to seek the positive in something, and i always deliver them through words just so i could hear it myself. because i need to hear it. even though i already found the positive side of something, sometimes my head is still so full of negative thoughts. i can't stop it. that's why i need to verbalized it, it's so i can convince myself. the same situation goes when we are praying. obviously God knows what we want, what we need, but then, why do we have to pray? it's because the person who need to hear it the most is us. maybe it's to make us realize how dumb it is, or maybe it's to make us always remember what is our goal. do i make sense to you? no? uh well time to watch korean drama anyway. bye!

p.s please kindly check and follow my instagram! i draw things (uh) here's my id : _ameeys
sooo this is a real bye.. bye!


// Wednesday
16.12.15
i promise this is the last one ever. one last writing about him. im so messed up and i hope writing here would give me a feeling of relief.

i dont know about you, but in a relationship i really appreciate private time of my partner. if they want to spend it on friends thats okay, on business thats okay, on event thats okay. and im the type who's very aware that we're only human. we love we fight. especially arpund my age, we re still seeking our true self in order to feel whole as a human being. we study, we work, we socialize, all in the process of finding that oneself. i understand that. the person who made me understand was my former boyfriend. he made me realize so many things i never paid attention to until he showed me. i think that was one of my goimg-to-adult highlight. it was important and it felt special, i really loved him.
i understand, i appreciate.. meaning i dont have negative thinking towards his decision om how he wanna spend it. im not a high maintenance person, im pretty simple. so long as i know he loves me and i love him, im happy. i dont ask questions. i rarely get mad.
had i been taken for granted?
was i a fool to let you break down my walls?
was i not good enough?

why didnt you talk about it? you said you love me why did you hurt me? at least i have the right to get the right treatment from a said-gentleman. why didnt you just end us up and tjen go with million girls i wouldnt care. that wouldve been more polite. that wouldve been more 'you'. the 'you' i thought i knew. but turns out i didnt. 3 years and i dont know 'you'. maybe you were right, you keep changing and developing. and im okay with that. but whatsup with playing with people's feeling? is that really the change you want? is it better than before? or are you always like this but i just shut my eyes because i already blinded by the thought of you being the best version of yourself. im devastated. im thankful, but im here in million pieces. i have so much questions i wanna ask but i was so broken i couldnt bear hear you one more second.



may
be you dont know, but almost every each one of my friend hate us being together. they said terrible things and i defended you. i stood by your name not only because i loved you but because i sincerely thought you are different. i was wrong


i was here missing you, and you were there with someone else. whatever.. i still hope youre happy. good bye and i hope youll be doing well. i love you


cake with chees-y on top // Tuesday
16.6.15
i was watching the 53rd of Yakitate! Japan when suddenly three young ladies buzzed into my house. they were eci, alisha, lydia and a little guy - by guy i mean; cake - that said this cheesiest word ever on it,



get it? amy-cu. ai miss u. because they miss me. HAHAHAHAHA.
ok my reaction when i got it was so flat because i don't know how to react in this kind of situation - despite all that i was honestly happy. i might not have expressed it the way it supposed to be though. but, the cheesy writing, man, it actually got me. it is so eci and alisha. hahaha. thank you, people. :')

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it was cheap & it was good // Sunday
14.6.15


well, i haven't been out with friends for awhile, - or, with anyone, really - because things at home had been quite... tense? i don't know if that is the correct word to describe the situation best, but you know.
when it was finally loosened up a little bit, i took the chance and went to visit my best friends in Bandung. of course, i didn't go alone and made a fool of myself - i've had an accompany. Her name is Tiara. if you happened to know, she is my best friends who currently majoring in Industrial Engineering at Universitas Indonesia. 
anyway, i don't know why i'm telling you this. i guess, i'm just really happy to (finally) get out of the house and meet other existence. 

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guess i can be less anti-social sometimes //
31.5.15
it's the end of the term and i haven't told you a single person that had been involved in it. as you know, - or, you probably don't - i'm a student majoring in interior architecture at Universitas Indonesia. it's only two terms, but, man, architecture is a tough life! it's so tough that it's not a major anymore, it becomes a lifestyle. because architecture will somehow change you. little or much, it depends on how you stir your life.
but, like any other situation, God is fair. to co op with that extremely tough and sickening life, God made me meet all wonderful people; my friends from the department. and from 148 people, i sort of close to a few of them. they are eci, safira, alija and sharima - i recently got my phone ran over by a car so i lost sharima's pictures with me :( this is the only remaining pictures because i have them on my instagram.



they are all amazing people. kind and low profile. very active and pretty. which sometimes can make me really jealous. in a good way, of course.
if you have been following my blog for awhile, or if you happened to know me in real life, you'd know i'm kind of an asshole. them? not so much (and by not so much i mean not the slightest bit) which leads me to a bigger question; how the hell did i friend with all of them? maybe i used some hypnosis techniques and maybe they're now still under my control.

i guess you'll never know.

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little prick //
31.5.15
hi there. it's been a long time since i post REAL post - not that this one is going to be real, but whatever. anyway, school's finally over! i dont know what i should feel. because, frankly, i love going to campus - meeting people and actually interacting with them (because, you know, i'm anti-social like that), actually getting involved in something, dancing, hanging around, etcetera. and when i'm home, it'd limit my chances to be able to do all that. i'd need extra willpower and effort to go and hang around. i'm a couch potato, guys, fyi. i'd certainly pick my comfortable bed with my laptop and wifi'd house over some fancy restaurant. 
anyway, i kind of, sort of, mmm bickered with my dad. now i'm on the run - with him knowing where i am, which technically not a run, but i don't pick up my phone or anything until everything is calmer. until I get calmer. 
i love my dad and vice versa, but sometimes he expresses it in very uncanny way, in which i know but i can't comprehend. i think that's the best way to put it. we're not really a close family - i'm closer to my brothers than my parents - but we still care for each other. we don't show it on the surface though. our ego is bigger than anything. yes, it runs in the family! 
i sometimes act like a little prick, and maybe this is one of those times. *sigh* i hope things get better fast.

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Bracing myself for //
31.5.15
tons of boredoms
destroyed sleeping clock
shitty blog posts

because.......second term is ooovaaaaah!!!





Well, //
31.5.15



some days it's screamin shit // Thursday
28.5.15

ignore the background.
i just want to share how cooperative my face can be on some days.

make up by me.
skin - primer by nyx - foundation outlast stay fabulous 3-in-1 by covergirl
eyes - naked 3 palette by urban decay - they're real mascara by benefit
eyebrows - brow pow by theBalm
lips - lips fit 'red' by etude house
cheeks - blush by 3 'pumpkin' by sleek

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what i honestly feel // Sunday
24.5.15


my fuckin birthday. 19. old. i gained so much weight. shit. yes i feel like shit.






please don't take my sunshine away //
17.5.15
\\\\
The other night, dear, as i lay sleeping, i dreamt i held you in my arms. when i awoke, dear, i was mistaken. so i hung my head, and i cried.
\\\\

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my life is a giant ball of a mess // Thursday
14.5.15
hm hai.
aneh. banget. parah. idk. is this the feeling? i just want to be alone and have fun tapi ga gini juga aaa why did i respond how did that happen didnt i hate him in the past errrmaaagehhhdddd dunia kuliah itu aneh sekali teman-teman. tapi intinya aku baper walaupun iya aku tau engga ada apa2 because i thought so too n then i went home n tried to sleep n i cant bcz the memories are up there floating in my brain and my brain's about to explodddddde. takdir itu lucu. kamu bilang gabakal A, tapi suatu saat kamu akan dapet A. tp wlpn baper aku ga marah sedih atau gmn just feeling utterly (and dangerously) too happy. mungkin karena aku kangen. gatau ya. kening itu kelemahan aku. pipi juga. mungkin aku cuma kangen. semoga kangennya ga berlanjut dan merembet.

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seperti magnet orang aneh //
23.4.15
hadu


NĂ¼ hare // Sunday
5.4.15
not really me, but everyone says it fits me and making me look fresh. soooo... 


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//
29.3.15
You know what? I secretly hope I can hate you. It's not nice to reach out to someone (who specifically ask not to be contacted, unless something REAL urgent come up) and use them for your own personal purpose. Sure, the human feeling is complicated, but is it that complicated to know what's right and what's wrong? Our last meeting certainly a horrible choice I made and I know you know it wasn't the right thing to do, but nevertheless you did it too. It didn't affect your life, but it does to mine. Next time, if you're 'gaada maksud apa2', just don't try to hold her hands. Are you trying to keep me not forgetting you? Now that i think about it very often, it just makes me hate you even more. It was horrible, I hate you.


Cerah // Saturday
28.3.15
:) sevil rou htiw ysub ylippah ydaerla era ew esuaceb niaga reve rehto hcae ees ot evah t'nod ew dan .retteb enoemos dnuof i dan ,retteb enoemos dnuof uoy epoh yllaer od i tub ,won rof - uoy evol i

.struh ti zoc

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First Audition Ever //
28.3.15


For more info : @craft_ui
Senang. Lagi.


#ARCHAMPION // Friday
27.3.15
OH MY GOD.

i can't describe how happy i am right now. remember when i told you there is a competition held in Fakultas Teknik UI called OIM (Olimpiade Ilimiah Mahasiswa) ? probably not coz i dont remember telling you guys teehee. ok so this competition right here is held annually. and lemme tell you, architecture has always been underestimated - maybe because the  lack of our contribution in previous OIM - and we never really achieve much. BUT THIS YEAR IS DIFFERENT.

WE ARE THE GRAND CHAMPION OF OIM FTUI 2015!!!

I DONT KNOWWWW it's like magic! architecture students tend to caught up in their own world so this is really huge for us. i also heard that usually, from 8 departments, we are the 8th.. so. YASH.

Juara 2 Debat Bahasa Indonesia
Juara 2 PKM - KC
Juara 1 PKM - M
Juara 2 PKM - M
Juara 1 PKM - K
Juara 2 PKM - K
Juara 1 Persembahan Departemen 2014
Best Speaker Debat Bahasa Indonesia : Almas Safira

JUARA UMUM OIM FTUI 2015 :
DEPARTEMEN ARSITEKTUR






after the Grand Champion announcement moment, our reaction:






taa daa!





last but not least...

 Piala persembahan angkatan. saya sebagai PJ, pembuat konsep, pelatih, sekaligus performer, cukup sentimentil dengan kemenangan yang satu ini. senang. nyatanya pada nilai akhir, poin juara 1 yang di dapat pada persembahan angkatan ini, turut mengambil andil besar untuk Departemen Arsitektur dinobatkan menjadi Juara Umum OIM FTUI 2015. :') *tears of happiness*



Makasih kontingen-kontingen Arsitektur lainnya yang telah berpartisipasi. bangga banget.  ARSITEK! ARS ARS ARS!

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yaudah.. // Thursday
26.3.15